This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
