nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
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Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i think my cat just said my name.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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