I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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