How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
