The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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