I hate your face
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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