Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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