I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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