Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
