I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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