things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
