1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
