im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
