I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
