Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
