God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
