Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just invented taco cereal.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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