Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
