if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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