It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
