yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
