If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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