I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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