Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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