Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
