i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
