i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Drunk is not a location!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
