next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My pussy is not your playground.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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