I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
