I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
