I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
