At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
