i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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