I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
