theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
