Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
