I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
