I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
