The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
