Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
