1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
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I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize