Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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