My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
