My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
