My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
