you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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