When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
