I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
