what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
