I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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