we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
