Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
