this beer tastes like vomit already
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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