apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
